fuck love

This is not meant as a slight against people who make different life choices than mine.  It’s mainly written for self-clarification.  I’m sure it will inevitably be interpreted by someone as an insult.  Not much I can do about that; I guess just try to take some of the unusual thoughts from it and ignore the others.  All we can do is kneel before the altar of our true lives’ missions, and if we’ve already made choices which obstruct that purpose, we’ve just got to do the best we can with the situation we’re in.

Is it so rare to believe that life is not a nihilistic “experience to be had,” to be wandered through without aim or purpose?  Why isn’t life a mission to complete?

Isn’t there too much tremendous suffering, needless suffering in the world to sit idly by, in a bohemian wander of “taking it all in” rather than fighting like hell to change it all?

Life involves some hard choices.  Having kids, having a spouse, getting involved with people are some of them.

In a world where the most interesting and powerful thing going on is the human being, it makes sense to maybe want to connect to some of them, maybe even to create a few more of them.

Or does it?  Maybe it just makes sense to focus on solving the problems of the people that are already here.

One problem I have is that 0 + 0 = 0.  People think that love adds something to the people in the relationship – “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” or maybe just even “two is more than one.”  But if the people involved aren’t all that impressive, then what does it matter?  What do they live for?  Does your heart beat for anything other than wanting to possess, and in turn be possessed by someone?  Do you want to press as hard as you can against another being until the barrier breaks down and you blend?  (And, ha, does that ever actually happen at all?)  Everyone is familiar with the process of idealizing a person while becoming attracted to them, and then suddenly seeing all their heinous shortcomings if the relationship falls apart.

Is this really all you want?  To simply relate?  What about being?  Does this connection you have really say anything about your own character, your own accomplishments?  Is it possible that all the songs are about love on the radio, because love is just so damn easy?

Another problem, though, is that the entanglement of a relationship can actually distract a person from their greater life’s work.  A person has only one lifetime to leave their dent on the world, on history.  Do you really want to blow your time obsessing over/walking on eggshells around a single other person’s feelings?  So maybe you all stand for something – maybe it’s not 0 + 0 = 0, maybe it’s 2 + 2 = 4.  But if all you do is distract each other from your lives’ purposes with personal shit and sweet nothings, maybe it’s 2 – 2 = 0 again.

Regarding kids, I have no interest.  My childhood was so miserable that I wouldn’t put anyone else through it.  There are other issues.  For one, I have no idea what any potential children would be like – they could be cut from my same cloth, or they could end up as someone simply having nothing in common with me at the level of the soul.  Both of us would wonder what the point was, to be a father and child for whom any substantial relationship was impossible from the start.  Then there is always the ethical dilemma of birthing someone into this horrid world.

But once more, the real issue is: If you have kids, they’re going to wipe out a good 18 or more of your short years on Earth on changing their diapers and providing all sorts of other money and attention.

Don’t you have something better to be doing?  I am more interested in blowing my time on qualitatively improving the human condition for the six billion humans already here, not quantitatively adding a few more to the pile.

There is a social pressure that these familial arrangements are “inevitable,” or that they’re “for everyone.”  I can feel the world leaning on me, making assumptions that I’ll just cave in later, sort of like the people who say everyone turns conservative after 30.  No, not me.  I want to live for my purpose wholly and without compromise.  I want to be free of any other focus.  I want to live life to the fullest, which means either creating, or self-expressively destroying all limitations.  When I die, I want to die “alone” or really, uncompromisingly myself.  And then, unless the concentration of my soul is thick enough to persist beyond my body, my entire being will happily dissipate into my life’s remaining effects.

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